My toddler son seems to have his own set of rules and moral guidelines. I have summarised them here. Are they specific to him or to toddlers everywhere?!?
Thou shall not play with your toys.
Your parents have provided an array of brightly coloured toys, designed by experts to both engage and educate a person of your exact age. Ignore these and spend your time with a wooden spoon and an egg box.
Thou shall not remain consistent in the food that you will eat.
Monday – houmous is the nectar of the gods. Tuesday – what is this poison you are trying to feed me? Wednesday- I will eat houmous, but only if it is stolen from your plate and served on a chocolate biscuit dipping tool.
Thou shall have no fear.
Teeter on the edge of furniture, examine that electricity socket, find your way to ungated stairs at any given opportunity. Fear not, for it does your parents good to perform adrenaline fuelled sprints followed by elaborate dives in order to save you. It keeps them fit, and is in NO way responsible for the grey hair they just found.
Thou shall snatch your neighbours ox.
That kid next to you has a more interesting toy. Take it. Take it by means of brute force. If they don’t let go then go turn red in the face and have a wailing tug of war til one of the big people intervene. Learn quickly how to convey ‘ I had it first’ through the medium of body language, even if it’s not true.
Thou shall always poo shortly after having a bath.
It does no good to be clean for long.
Thou shall test how sincerely the word ‘no’ is meant.
‘No’ you say. What if I carry on anyway? Still ‘No’ ? How about if I go red and shout? STILL ‘No’ ?!? What if I throw myself on the floor and scream for ten minutes?! Oh. Still a no, ok, fine- I will go eat the dead fly I spotted while I was lying down. No to that too? Are you sure? What if I carry on anyway? Etc
Thou shall like truly terrible television.
You will giggle happily at Barney/ Mr Tumble/ In The Night Garden. Your parents loathe this show, but their desire for 5 minute peace just about outweighs their urge to punch the lead character in the nose. As you get older you can increase the joy by insisting you have the magazine/toy/duvet cover so that there is no escape from the grinning idiots.
Thou shall sleep like a baby.
Waking regularly, mixing day with night, needing another drink/feed/book at all hours. If required you will vomit/wee in the bed to ensure middle of the night attention. Sleep is for the weak, you do not need it, nor do your folks.
Thou shall have the face of an angel.
You are the cutest you will EVER be. In the eyes of your own special big people there is nothing more beautiful in the world than your chubby cheeks. That is why they still let you live with them even when you follow all of the above advice. You are irresistible, and you smell good. Work it by taking note of which daft faces get the most attention – try wearing everyday objects as hats, dancing and saying words with a lisp. All of these get you added cute points.