Welcome To The School Holidays

Posted by on Jul 22, 2013 in Humour, Toddlers | 18 comments

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to the school holidays, leave your sanity at the door

Welcome aboard the school holidays. Emergency exits are situated…well, there are no emergency exits, you are on this ride until the first week in September. Temporary respite may be found in Pimms bottles.

In approximately 5 minutes you will hear the first request for a drink. When you have delivered the drink and resettled yourself in your chair, this will be followed by a request for some food. Once this has been dealt with, and you think you might read a paragraph of the newspaper, child number two goes through the same process, followed then by child number three. By the time you have fed child number three, child number one will want a drink again. To save time set up a full wedding buffet and bar in the lounge so you can sit down for 5 minutes.

By half past ten this morning you will have arrived at your holiday destination – ‘Bored’. It is a small, grey place, just outside of Albania, and your children will spend much of the summer there. But it is OK. You are armed. You have stock piled craft ideas for just this situation.

 

Dull Town Sign
Maybe next year we will go here…

You will run out of both ideas and patience by day three in Bored. Day trips are available at a premium. Your purse will be empty by the end of the week, you will be forced to start a business selling knick-knacks made out of the lolly straws you bought to do craft with the children, before discovering they don’t want to make things, they just want to cover everything in glitter. Including you. Luckily the disco look is quite fashionable so you don’t mind so much. But you do need to get out before that twitch gets any worse….

And then it rains. Which means all indoor options available for the distraction of small peeps are rammed to the rafters with hot, sugar fuelled tiny rioters with shrill voices and no manners. And that is just your kids, other people’s are savages. SAVAGES. You could go to the cinema, but all kids films are on at peculiar times of day, and will have been completely pre-booked in February by people with psychic weather prediction abilities. Ditto bowling.

‘Lets have a movie afternoon at home’, you cheerfully offer, ‘We can have popcorn, it will be fun.’ It will be fun, as long as your idea of fun is picking popcorn off of sofas, floors, pets, and out of hair. For a week.

But then, it is all OK, the sun is shining again the following day, so you pack your entire house into a giant Cath Kidston holdall or three and head for the beach, where you cram you and your family into a 3 foot square space in between all the other families, impossibly slim, very tanned women, and Dutch youths who insist on repeatedly kicking footballs at your toddler. Your sandwiches are accompanied by the forced jollity of Radio 1 being blasted out by the gaggle of teenagers next to you. You would complain, but at least the music is slighting masking the sound of their swearing, meaning you don’t have to explain to your youngest and most inquisitive offspring what a slag is.

 

Busy Beach

 

Then home again, with hot, pink, sandy children who are exhausted and grumpy but won’t go to sleep until way past bedtime because:-

  • ‘It isn’t a school night’
  • ‘I am not tired’
  • ‘(insert name of choice) is allowed to stay up til 2.30am in the holidays’
  • ‘It is too light’
  • ‘It is too hot’
  • ‘I need a drink/wee/rare crystal from the depths of the amazon before I go to sleep’
And that is just week one. Enjoy, I know I will, as despite all of the above, I still think the holidays are fun….I must need sectioning, I certainly will be in need of a ‘rest’ by the end of it,

Love Miss Cisco XXX

18 Comments

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  1. SarahMummy

    Brilliant, love it! My younger son got up at 7.20 this morning. At 8.20 he heard his sister get up, so he turned the telly on to take control. By 8.40 they were yelling at each other about it.

    • Sonya Cisco

      I cannot believe i forgot to mention the bickering!! Mind you, that could fill a whole post by itself….

  2. Nicola Thomas

    We haven’t started yet but I already know that this is all so true!

  3. Suzanne Whitton

    I have a strong love/hate relationship with the school holidays. Today, the first day, mine were arguing over the iPad by 9am. I suspect that this first week is going to be a long one! At least you have the beach :P

    • Sonya Cisco

      Yes, the beach is great- mind you even that ends up costing a bomb, by the time you factor in travel/parking and ice creams you are not far off twenty quid!!

  4. Tracy Garbett

    Ha ha love it! This is so my life xx

  5. hussylondonhousewife

    What an amazing … and amusing post !
    Well done Miss Cisco !
    xx

  6. Inge

    Wow, for the first time (I’ve been dreaming of having another child) I’m glad I only have one! Stopping by from the Little Steps blog.

  7. Sha

    Well we’re in Scotland so now on week 4! Hasn’t been tooo bad due to gorgeous weather however it takes 4 hours to fill the paddling pool & half an hour of jumpin to empty it….. oh & the boys can’t be civil to each other for more than 2 mins at a time. Still, went uniform shoppin yesterday so the end is in sight!

  8. dragonsflypoppy

    So funny! I adore the holidays with the children but 13 minutes into ours (yes at 3.28pm on Friday) I was already raising my voice and banning the end of term Smarties! Lovely that you have the beach nearby – not so much the swearing youths/overly attractive slim mothers etc etc xx

  9. Older Mum

    Very, very funny…… we have just started the marathon entertainment run . My head is a blank of stuff to do over these next six weeks. The one bonus…. there’s no rushing for the school run and we get to take it a little easier in the mornings and evenings! X.

  10. otilia stocks

    Enjoy your holidays darling! Love your post! Some days I wish it wasn’t as hot as it is x

  11. Helen Neale (KiddyCharts)

    Love the post – popped over from the Pin it Party lovely…and I have to say…did you sneak into my house by accident at all? If you did, don’t forget to leave the Pimms while ur here! ;-)

  12. Alice Emma Thompson

    I had this nice idea we would make crafty wood chimes with sticks gathered in the park (idea courtesy of Pinterest) … of course we just covered them in glitter … sigh. Popping over from the Pin It Party, Alice x

  13. Sarah Lashbrook

    That is awesome. My kids are too young for school (I’ve got three kids 4 and under), so this is everyday. of. my. life. When does pre-k begin again?

  14. Julie

    My son is much older, but i recall these times very well.Loved the honesty and the humour, Thank you xx

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