The wonderfully funny, and extremely lovely Cas at Mummy Never Sleeps has tagged me to write about the things I would hurl into the Room 101 before slamming the door forcibly behind them. I considered putting people in. All of them, but that is just because I was having a bad day. I feel better now, although I briefly considered still putting the hairdressers in, but I guess it is about time I got over the Dolly Parton-esque wings they gave me in about 1986 and moved on without a grudge.
So what to put in, am assuming we are going for the Merton-esque (Or Skinner, or Hancock for that matter..) as opposed to the Orwellian, so my answers are the light-hearted annoyances of the TV series, as opposed to the deepest darkest fears of the book, although the first one is both!
|If the following was a unusual crush list, this man may well feature, but it isn’t, so he doesn’t….|
1. Spiders. Obviously.
Yeah, yeah. I know they are more frightened of me than I am of them. They aren’t though are they? Creepy buggers get perverse pleasure from making me scream. I pride myself on being a ballsy sort of a girl, big of mouth, like beer and rock music, not totally crap at pool. But then them arachnid bastards come along and have me on a chair screaming like some dozy mare from a 1940s movie.
I guess really what I should put in Room 101 is my fear of spiders as opposed to the critters themselves. It shames me to be scared of something so small and insignificant. I do not like that I once had to climb out of my lounge window, carrying a toddler, because a fat legged house spider was between me and the door. I do not like that despite my attempts to cover up my fears, my kids are scared of them too, clearly a behaviour they have learnt from me. I want to be brave, but they make my skin crawl, my heart race, and panic sets in. *shudders at the mere thought of them*
So spider phobia, you are IN THE ROOM. BEGONE.
2. David Cameron and his big face. Because so many good things are ruined by his looming huge front of head, with its little iggle piggle like features. Not only are his government pissing on everyone, he then has the audacity to ruin my enjoyment of things like the Olympics, or Andy Murray’s Wimblebum success by appearing in shot with his giant smug mug. He makes my skin crawl even more than the spiders. Evil masquerading as a friendly simpleton with a humongous frontage.
I think the reason that his face is larger than normal is that it is not real. That is also why it has a plasticy sheen. At night he peels it off to reveal a bloodsucking, undead minion of doom, and cackles as he plots more misery to pour onto the common people. BASTARD.
3. Money. Yes, lets pop the entire notion of currency into Room 101 and start over with something nicer and cuddlier in place. Money is a pompous arse. And before anyone says money doesn’t make you happy- I quite, QUITE agree with you. But I tell you what does make me happy- a roof over my children’s heads, clothes on their back, and food in their bellies. Also biscuits are not free, nor rum. See I like some of the things money buys- comfort and that, so why ditch money? Because of how people behave around it, all of us, I am just as bad at times.
The urge to accumulate money can lead to some very nasty and selfish behaviour indeed, and I wish to return to a barter system. Let’s see how Donald Trump gets on when all he has to offer people is the chance to mock his hair in return for food. Mind you, I am not sure what I can offer either- ‘Please build me a house, and in return I shall write a slightly witty article about my jolly times with the builders in….wait, come back, where will I live?!’
OK, so bartering may not work either. How about we keep money but learn to share nicely? Or can you invent a new previously unthought of way for things to work – perhaps just genuine altruism- we do what we can for others simply for the pleasure of being kind? Insane idea I know, but so is the idea of worshipping bits of paper with a monarchs head on…..
Anyhoo, I am supposed to tag other people in this, but judging by the fact that since I was first tagged I have been tagged twice more by the fabulous Mum Of Three World and the gorgeous Quirky Kook, I am reckoning every blogger I know has most likely done it already, if not, consider yourself tagged…..