How To Fail At Dieting

1) Start dieting in the week leading up to Easter when chocolate pops out at you from every corner of every shop, and the kids are home and want to make chocolate nest cakes. You are of course under no obligation to eat said nest cakes. But do anyway.

2) Mix your eating plans. Invent your own unscientific diet based on the tastiest parts of several popular diet plans. Eat the high protein of the Atkins, alongside the carbs of the low fat diet. Discover this doesn’t work.

3) Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value.

4) Decide that food that you eat standing up has no calorific value.

5) Decide that food you ate when drunk and would have forgotten about if it weren’t for the wrappers has no calorific value.

6) Consider carrot cake to be a free food while following the Slimming World plan. Ditto for upside down pineapple cake, chocolate courgette cake, and any cake with fruit in.

7) Think that all you can eat fruit includes coconuts. It doesn’t. Coconut is as about as fattening as fruit gets. Which is presumably why I like it. (especially if it is covered in chocolate and in bar form)

2) Assume that the orange and peanut diet, as my lovely Nan once did, means eating your normal meals AND oranges and peanuts.

9) Eat as much food as you possibly can without being sick while on the 5 feast days of your 5:2 diet. This food should be mostly cake and biscuits. Actually put on weight while on the 5:2 diet and give it up as a lost cause.

10) Decide you are happy as you are. You won’t be dictated to by the pressures of the media and the patriarchy to conform to some undemocratic view of womanhood.

11) Feel a bit fat and frumpy. Fail at both diet and proper feminist view of body fascism.

12) Go back on a diet. Well. On Monday anyway.

13) On Monday do really well until approximately 10.13am when you open the biscuits.

14) Stick a photo on the fridge for inspiration.

15) Realise a photo of cake is not that inspirational for weight loss purposes.

16) Try again next Monday.

 

Just me?

Love Miss Cisco XXX

 

recite-27991-1856111636-1las0j9

Share:

30 Comments

  1. April 17, 2014 / 9:14 am

    when I first started working here and the diet was just beer, beer and more beer with chips thrown in, I invented the potato diet. Crisps. chips, baked and more.

    It’s no wonder I put on so much weight!!
    jo recently posted…A Trip To AustraliaMy Profile

    • April 17, 2014 / 9:22 am

      You have done brilliantly though! I lost a stone and a half when we started weight watchers together, but put a stone of it back on again – damn! Have lost 10lbs over the last few weeks, and aim to lose about the same again to be happy. But then the tough bit for me is not slipping back to the old habits again!!
      Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At DietingMy Profile

      • April 17, 2014 / 11:30 am

        I’ve put a stone back on though, mainly through being tired and not motivated – WW was great as we were all so motivated together – if only they’d kept it up for a year! Mind, reading back on my posts I had this “nobody cares how much I weigh or what I look like” about myself (that’s my overall lack of confidence though) and I can’t remember what I started out at, so I was silly thinking that really!
        jo recently posted…A Trip To AustraliaMy Profile

  2. April 17, 2014 / 10:32 pm

    You’ve done really well! I’m one of those weird people who cannot stand cheap chocolate, and rarely buys the proper stuff so I find I lose weight at Easter (and Christmas) anyway…. not good when you shouldn’t be losing!
    Kate Thompson recently posted…Same Difference Link UpMy Profile

    • April 18, 2014 / 7:42 am

      Yes, being at the other end of the weight scale can be tricky too – my OH verges on underweight so I have to be careful that when I diet I still give him the full fat version!
      Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At DietingMy Profile

  3. Pingback: How To Fail At Dieting
  4. April 18, 2014 / 6:23 am

    Ha ha ha brilliant! You were writing about me there surely! Although you forgot the ‘throw the scales away and just ignore the weight problem, if you can’t see it it doesn’t matter!’
    Nikki Thomas recently posted…When is your coffee moment?My Profile

    • April 18, 2014 / 7:42 am

      I have been known to buy new scales because I am convinced mine are lying…..sadly they weren’t!
      Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At DietingMy Profile

  5. April 18, 2014 / 3:47 pm

    I have a good one! Eat loads of sugar free sweets. It can’t be calorific if it makes you sh*t like there’s no tomorrow!
    Too much info??? Xxx
    Jo Henley recently posted…Easter the Autism WayMy Profile

    • April 19, 2014 / 8:13 am

      hahaha i made that mistake once, ate a whole bag of sugar free toffees at the cinema, then had to pretty much run home….. 😉

  6. April 18, 2014 / 10:26 pm

    You mean 3,4 and 5 are untrue….oh sh** that’s where I’ve been going wrong ; (
    Great post
    Emmys Mummy recently posted…Adsa does EasterMy Profile

  7. April 18, 2014 / 11:03 pm

    I’m sure it’s not just you! I don’t diet, but am a firm believer in food that you didn’t buy yourself eg at buffets or cake in the office has no calories.
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…Chilli and chipsMy Profile

  8. April 19, 2014 / 2:15 pm

    This is absolutely why I’ve never bothered dieting. I have no desire to go without the enjoyment of choccy and biscuits for longer than I can sleep! 🙂 x

  9. April 21, 2014 / 5:21 pm

    Awesome post!
    I love point 3 – Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value – this is so me… hiding in the corner, eating sweets hoping no one will notice they are gone later on
    agatapokutycka recently posted…Happy EasterMy Profile

  10. April 21, 2014 / 10:37 pm

    Haha! 3, 6 and 7 should be written in neon and hung above my head! I always start healthy eating kicks with such gusto, but Cream Eggs and hot cross buns are just too damn tempting aren’t they!
    The Egyptian Mummy recently posted…Combined weaningMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge