1) Start dieting in the week leading up to Easter when chocolate pops out at you from every corner of every shop, and the kids are home and want to make chocolate nest cakes. You are of course under no obligation to eat said nest cakes. But do anyway.
2) Mix your eating plans. Invent your own unscientific diet based on the tastiest parts of several popular diet plans. Eat the high protein of the Atkins, alongside the carbs of the low fat diet. Discover this doesn’t work.
3) Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value.
4) Decide that food that you eat standing up has no calorific value.
5) Decide that food you ate when drunk and would have forgotten about if it weren’t for the wrappers has no calorific value.
6) Consider carrot cake to be a free food while following the Slimming World plan. Ditto for upside down pineapple cake, chocolate courgette cake, and any cake with fruit in.
7) Think that all you can eat fruit includes coconuts. It doesn’t. Coconut is as about as fattening as fruit gets. Which is presumably why I like it. (especially if it is covered in chocolate and in bar form)
2) Assume that the orange and peanut diet, as my lovely Nan once did, means eating your normal meals AND oranges and peanuts.
9) Eat as much food as you possibly can without being sick while on the 5 feast days of your 5:2 diet. This food should be mostly cake and biscuits. Actually put on weight while on the 5:2 diet and give it up as a lost cause.
10) Decide you are happy as you are. You won’t be dictated to by the pressures of the media and the patriarchy to conform to some undemocratic view of womanhood.
11) Feel a bit fat and frumpy. Fail at both diet and proper feminist view of body fascism.
12) Go back on a diet. Well. On Monday anyway.
13) On Monday do really well until approximately 10.13am when you open the biscuits.
14) Stick a photo on the fridge for inspiration.
15) Realise a photo of cake is not that inspirational for weight loss purposes.
16) Try again next Monday.
Love Miss Cisco XXX