How To Fail At Dieting

Posted by on Apr 17, 2014 in Featured, Humour | 29 comments

1) Start dieting in the week leading up to Easter when chocolate pops out at you from every corner of every shop, and the kids are home and want to make chocolate nest cakes. You are of course under no obligation to eat said nest cakes. But do anyway.

2) Mix your eating plans. Invent your own unscientific diet based on the tastiest parts of several popular diet plans. Eat the high protein of the Atkins, alongside the carbs of the low fat diet. Discover this doesn’t work.

3) Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value.

4) Decide that food that you eat standing up has no calorific value.

5) Decide that food you ate when drunk and would have forgotten about if it weren’t for the wrappers has no calorific value.

6) Consider carrot cake to be a free food while following the Slimming World plan. Ditto for upside down pineapple cake, chocolate courgette cake, and any cake with fruit in.

7) Think that all you can eat fruit includes coconuts. It doesn’t. Coconut is as about as fattening as fruit gets. Which is presumably why I like it. (especially if it is covered in chocolate and in bar form)

2) Assume that the orange and peanut diet, as my lovely Nan once did, means eating your normal meals AND oranges and peanuts.

9) Eat as much food as you possibly can without being sick while on the 5 feast days of your 5:2 diet. This food should be mostly cake and biscuits. Actually put on weight while on the 5:2 diet and give it up as a lost cause.

10) Decide you are happy as you are. You won’t be dictated to by the pressures of the media and the patriarchy to conform to some undemocratic view of womanhood.

11) Feel a bit fat and frumpy. Fail at both diet and proper feminist view of body fascism.

12) Go back on a diet. Well. On Monday anyway.

13) On Monday do really well until approximately 10.13am when you open the biscuits.

14) Stick a photo on the fridge for inspiration.

15) Realise a photo of cake is not that inspirational for weight loss purposes.

16) Try again next Monday.

 

Just me?

Love Miss Cisco XXX

 

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29 Comments

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  1. jo

    when I first started working here and the diet was just beer, beer and more beer with chips thrown in, I invented the potato diet. Crisps. chips, baked and more.

    It’s no wonder I put on so much weight!!
    jo recently posted…A Trip To AustraliaMy Profile

    • Sonya Cisco

      You have done brilliantly though! I lost a stone and a half when we started weight watchers together, but put a stone of it back on again – damn! Have lost 10lbs over the last few weeks, and aim to lose about the same again to be happy. But then the tough bit for me is not slipping back to the old habits again!!
      Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At DietingMy Profile

      • jo

        I’ve put a stone back on though, mainly through being tired and not motivated – WW was great as we were all so motivated together – if only they’d kept it up for a year! Mind, reading back on my posts I had this “nobody cares how much I weigh or what I look like” about myself (that’s my overall lack of confidence though) and I can’t remember what I started out at, so I was silly thinking that really!
        jo recently posted…A Trip To AustraliaMy Profile

  2. Helen Dickinson

    A great list. I should be on a diet but I seem to be failing. I think it is time I sit down and plan how to lose weight a little.
    Helen Dickinson recently posted…A Week Of Learning And New ExperiencesMy Profile

  3. You Baby Me Mummy

    OMG this is amazing! It is like you were inside my head! :) x
    You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…Baby’s Easter treatsMy Profile

  4. mellissa williams

    I have done ALL of these Sonia. I love number 10 and 11 lol .
    mellissa williams recently posted…To Cruise Or Not to Cruise? – That Is The Question!My Profile

  5. Polly

    funny!!! i’m not a fan of diets….
    Polly recently posted…Chocolate Orange Raw BallsMy Profile

  6. Globalmouse

    Oh dear!! I can so relate to this! There are too many temptations around aren’t there?! I always say I wasn’t born with strong will power! :)
    Globalmouse recently posted…Pacapod Hastings Bag – Travel Lite range – Road TestMy Profile

  7. Hannah Staveley

    I fit in and out of diets i do try to keep focus but its hard at the min been Easter lol .x
    Hannah Staveley recently posted…Homemade Easter TreatsMy Profile

  8. Fritha Strickland

    aww so true, I’ve never really dieted but I need to stop eating so much cake! x
    Fritha Strickland recently posted…A Spring SpruceMy Profile

  9. Vikki Holness

    Oh this is me all over! I’ve been ‘attempting’ to lose the baby weight for 9 months now! xxx
    Vikki Holness recently posted…A Sunny Spring AfternoonMy Profile

  10. Kate Thompson

    You’ve done really well! I’m one of those weird people who cannot stand cheap chocolate, and rarely buys the proper stuff so I find I lose weight at Easter (and Christmas) anyway…. not good when you shouldn’t be losing!
    Kate Thompson recently posted…Same Difference Link UpMy Profile

  11. Sarah Bailey

    They all sound very familiar to me – I am a complete diet failiar lol. x
    Sarah Bailey recently posted…Jet2 Easter Deals with the #Jet2ChicksMy Profile

  12. Nikki Thomas

    Ha ha ha brilliant! You were writing about me there surely! Although you forgot the ‘throw the scales away and just ignore the weight problem, if you can’t see it it doesn’t matter!’
    Nikki Thomas recently posted…When is your coffee moment?My Profile

  13. Kizzy

    Great post, made me chuckle!
    Kizzy recently posted…Spring Recipes: Lamb Burgers with Mint MayoMy Profile

  14. Shell Louise

    Hahaha I love this! I’m having a rubbish time with my diet lately and this has really helped cheer me up so thank you :)
    Shell Louise recently posted…How does your garden grow? April 17thMy Profile

  15. wendy

    I am complete fail at diets . Although we are eating a lot more healthier foods
    wendy recently posted…Lego City Police Patrol – Set 60045My Profile

  16. Kirsty Hijacked By Twins

    Sooo true!! My excuse is that dieting puts me in a bad mood so to avoid everyone in the house suffering I don’t bother lol x
    Kirsty Hijacked By Twins recently posted…Word of the Week – 18th April 2014My Profile

  17. Jo Henley

    I have a good one! Eat loads of sugar free sweets. It can’t be calorific if it makes you sh*t like there’s no tomorrow!
    Too much info??? Xxx
    Jo Henley recently posted…Easter the Autism WayMy Profile

  18. Kara

    Hee hee – love this……my diet has stalled whilst we were at Butlins…..need to get back on it
    Kara recently posted…Mum, why are there stones on the Beach?My Profile

  19. Jenny

    You mean a Bounty bar doesn’t count as your one a day?
    Jenny recently posted…The perfect Spaghetti Alla CarbonaraMy Profile

  20. Emmys Mummy

    You mean 3,4 and 5 are untrue….oh sh** that’s where I’ve been going wrong ; (
    Great post
    Emmys Mummy recently posted…Adsa does EasterMy Profile

  21. Sarah MumofThree World

    I’m sure it’s not just you! I don’t diet, but am a firm believer in food that you didn’t buy yourself eg at buffets or cake in the office has no calories.
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…Chilli and chipsMy Profile

  22. Kat Pearce

    This is absolutely why I’ve never bothered dieting. I have no desire to go without the enjoyment of choccy and biscuits for longer than I can sleep! :) x

  23. agatapokutycka

    Awesome post!
    I love point 3 – Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value – this is so me… hiding in the corner, eating sweets hoping no one will notice they are gone later on
    agatapokutycka recently posted…Happy EasterMy Profile

  24. The Egyptian Mummy

    Haha! 3, 6 and 7 should be written in neon and hung above my head! I always start healthy eating kicks with such gusto, but Cream Eggs and hot cross buns are just too damn tempting aren’t they!
    The Egyptian Mummy recently posted…Combined weaningMy Profile

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