1) Start dieting in the week leading up to Easter when chocolate pops out at you from every corner of every shop, and the kids are home and want to make chocolate nest cakes. You are of course under no obligation to eat said nest cakes. But do anyway.
2) Mix your eating plans. Invent your own unscientific diet based on the tastiest parts of several popular diet plans. Eat the high protein of the Atkins, alongside the carbs of the low fat diet. Discover this doesn’t work.
3) Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value.
4) Decide that food that you eat standing up has no calorific value.
5) Decide that food you ate when drunk and would have forgotten about if it weren’t for the wrappers has no calorific value.
6) Consider carrot cake to be a free food while following the Slimming World plan. Ditto for upside down pineapple cake, chocolate courgette cake, and any cake with fruit in.
7) Think that all you can eat fruit includes coconuts. It doesn’t. Coconut is as about as fattening as fruit gets. Which is presumably why I like it. (especially if it is covered in chocolate and in bar form)
2) Assume that the orange and peanut diet, as my lovely Nan once did, means eating your normal meals AND oranges and peanuts.
9) Eat as much food as you possibly can without being sick while on the 5 feast days of your 5:2 diet. This food should be mostly cake and biscuits. Actually put on weight while on the 5:2 diet and give it up as a lost cause.
10) Decide you are happy as you are. You won’t be dictated to by the pressures of the media and the patriarchy to conform to some undemocratic view of womanhood.
11) Feel a bit fat and frumpy. Fail at both diet and proper feminist view of body fascism.
12) Go back on a diet. Well. On Monday anyway.
13) On Monday do really well until approximately 10.13am when you open the biscuits.
14) Stick a photo on the fridge for inspiration.
15) Realise a photo of cake is not that inspirational for weight loss purposes.
16) Try again next Monday.
Just me?
Love Miss Cisco XXX
when I first started working here and the diet was just beer, beer and more beer with chips thrown in, I invented the potato diet. Crisps. chips, baked and more.
It’s no wonder I put on so much weight!!
jo recently posted…A Trip To Australia
You have done brilliantly though! I lost a stone and a half when we started weight watchers together, but put a stone of it back on again – damn! Have lost 10lbs over the last few weeks, and aim to lose about the same again to be happy. But then the tough bit for me is not slipping back to the old habits again!!
Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At Dieting
I’ve put a stone back on though, mainly through being tired and not motivated – WW was great as we were all so motivated together – if only they’d kept it up for a year! Mind, reading back on my posts I had this “nobody cares how much I weigh or what I look like” about myself (that’s my overall lack of confidence though) and I can’t remember what I started out at, so I was silly thinking that really!
jo recently posted…A Trip To Australia
A great list. I should be on a diet but I seem to be failing. I think it is time I sit down and plan how to lose weight a little.
Helen Dickinson recently posted…A Week Of Learning And New Experiences
OMG this is amazing! It is like you were inside my head! 🙂 x
You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…Baby’s Easter treats
I have done ALL of these Sonia. I love number 10 and 11 lol .
mellissa williams recently posted…To Cruise Or Not to Cruise? – That Is The Question!
funny!!! i’m not a fan of diets….
Polly recently posted…Chocolate Orange Raw Balls
Oh dear!! I can so relate to this! There are too many temptations around aren’t there?! I always say I wasn’t born with strong will power! 🙂
Globalmouse recently posted…Pacapod Hastings Bag – Travel Lite range – Road Test
I fit in and out of diets i do try to keep focus but its hard at the min been Easter lol .x
Hannah Staveley recently posted…Homemade Easter Treats
aww so true, I’ve never really dieted but I need to stop eating so much cake! x
Fritha Strickland recently posted…A Spring Spruce
Oh this is me all over! I’ve been ‘attempting’ to lose the baby weight for 9 months now! xxx
Vikki Holness recently posted…A Sunny Spring Afternoon
You’ve done really well! I’m one of those weird people who cannot stand cheap chocolate, and rarely buys the proper stuff so I find I lose weight at Easter (and Christmas) anyway…. not good when you shouldn’t be losing!
Kate Thompson recently posted…Same Difference Link Up
Yes, being at the other end of the weight scale can be tricky too – my OH verges on underweight so I have to be careful that when I diet I still give him the full fat version!
Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At Dieting
They all sound very familiar to me – I am a complete diet failiar lol. x
Sarah Bailey recently posted…Jet2 Easter Deals with the #Jet2Chicks
Ha ha ha brilliant! You were writing about me there surely! Although you forgot the ‘throw the scales away and just ignore the weight problem, if you can’t see it it doesn’t matter!’
Nikki Thomas recently posted…When is your coffee moment?
I have been known to buy new scales because I am convinced mine are lying…..sadly they weren’t!
Sonya Cisco recently posted…How To Fail At Dieting
Great post, made me chuckle!
Kizzy recently posted…Spring Recipes: Lamb Burgers with Mint Mayo
Hahaha I love this! I’m having a rubbish time with my diet lately and this has really helped cheer me up so thank you 🙂
Shell Louise recently posted…How does your garden grow? April 17th
I am complete fail at diets . Although we are eating a lot more healthier foods
wendy recently posted…Lego City Police Patrol – Set 60045
Sooo true!! My excuse is that dieting puts me in a bad mood so to avoid everyone in the house suffering I don’t bother lol x
Kirsty Hijacked By Twins recently posted…Word of the Week – 18th April 2014
I have a good one! Eat loads of sugar free sweets. It can’t be calorific if it makes you sh*t like there’s no tomorrow!
Too much info??? Xxx
Jo Henley recently posted…Easter the Autism Way
hahaha i made that mistake once, ate a whole bag of sugar free toffees at the cinema, then had to pretty much run home….. 😉
Hee hee – love this……my diet has stalled whilst we were at Butlins…..need to get back on it
Kara recently posted…Mum, why are there stones on the Beach?
You mean a Bounty bar doesn’t count as your one a day?
Jenny recently posted…The perfect Spaghetti Alla Carbonara
You mean 3,4 and 5 are untrue….oh sh** that’s where I’ve been going wrong ; (
Great post
Emmys Mummy recently posted…Adsa does Easter
I’m sure it’s not just you! I don’t diet, but am a firm believer in food that you didn’t buy yourself eg at buffets or cake in the office has no calories.
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…Chilli and chips
This is absolutely why I’ve never bothered dieting. I have no desire to go without the enjoyment of choccy and biscuits for longer than I can sleep! 🙂 x
Awesome post!
I love point 3 – Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value – this is so me… hiding in the corner, eating sweets hoping no one will notice they are gone later on
agatapokutycka recently posted…Happy Easter
Haha! 3, 6 and 7 should be written in neon and hung above my head! I always start healthy eating kicks with such gusto, but Cream Eggs and hot cross buns are just too damn tempting aren’t they!
The Egyptian Mummy recently posted…Combined weaning