I have moments of feeling a little unsettled of late. I feel a little in-between.
We are still house hunting, so my flat is my home, but for how long? Should I replace the wonky bookshelf or wait until we move because the new house might require different things? Or should we even move? It is proving harder than we thought. The budget we set is upping itself as we realise that we cannot get the sort of house we need for five of us for the sort of rent we had hoped. And properties are scarce, one a fortnight if we are lucky. The interest is huge in each house and even if one felt right for us there is no guarantee you will get it. It looks like a house with a garden is going to set us back about £300 a month more than we are currently paying. That is £3600 a year all so we can have a garden for the kids. £3600 a year would pay for a lot of days out, and will make our current breathing space endowed budget a tighter, wheezier squeeze. So I am in-between, stay or go?!
I am old. I am young. I am in-between. I tried to buy clothes for summer this week. At 40 I finally feel too old for New Look et al- or maybe I jut don’t like this years fashions. But where are you supposed to go as an inbetweener? I am not ready for granny shops. Not only am I in-between in age, too old for New Look, too young to dress like an old lady, I am in-between in size. A 14-16, I am neither huge nor tiny. Too big for a body con, too small for a MuMu. I couldn’t even find any shoes I liked.
I am in-between parenting. I have one of the verge of leaving home, one hanging off my apron strings, and then my ten year old, my fellow sailor in the boat of in-between-ness. I am nearly done with one, she is 18 in 11 short weeks. In a little under 3 months I will have raised an adult. Well sort of. Of course she will be an in-between adult, needing to stretch her wings away from the homestead to totally achieve that status. Then my youngest is not yet three, so many years ahead with him by my side. It is my fellow inbetweener I feel a little sorry for. He is unintentionally often bottom of the pile, with neither the hands on demanding of a small chap or the emotional demands of a teenager. He is lovely and just gets on with what he is doing, and for that reason often gets the least attention. I always intend to address it, but then life gets in the way, so I make sure we get a trip out on our own every few weeks.
I am in-between careers. Pfft. Scratch that, I never really had a career, messing about in bands was good enough for me for a long time. But I am not in a band any more, and who knows when circumstance may send something that grabs my musical horns my way. Syd starts school in 15 months. Shall I go back to work then? Circumstance will probably dictate I need to. But to do what? Part of me hopes this here blog will be enough to keep the wolf from the door. Maybe education? Should I finally aim for that degree? If I do it will be the slowly, slowly approach afforded by the Open University. I will neither have the time nor the money to commit to a full-time degree. Student loans are scary enough at 20 let alone in your 40s without a pension plan in sight.
Couldn’t resist including this.
I feel in-between stages of life in many ways, but I do feel secure in my home life. My family is my most precious thing and I feel loved and special in my own home – and that is what gives me the solid base to explore new homes and new career plans. Won’t help much with the clothes shopping though! I think being in-between is a good place, lots of possibilities and choices to explore, I just need to get a little bit better at decision-making – if only the forks in the road were more clearly sign-posted!
Love Miss Cisco XXX