Spider

I ruddy hate spiders. Well, hate is the wrong word. I am properly terrified of them. I used to be far worse, even a tiny spider could send me into a hyperventilating panic, and a big one once made me have to climb out of the lounge window carrying a one year old because it was between me and the door.

 

I Am Not Spiderwoman

 

I sort of thought I had got a bit of a grip on it lately. A few years of living in a particularly spidery house in the countryside numbed me to the smaller of their breed, and the house I live in now isn’t very attractive to them, they are few and far between and mostly dwell happily alongside me in the far reaches of the ceiling corners. We have a deal – they don’t move when I am watching and they can stay.

My elder two, to my shame, have grown up scared of them too, learning from my ridiculous example no doubt. I have been determined not to do the same to Syd, and just last week could be found crouched in the corner of the kitchen with him while he conversed with a smallish one. I have cracked it, I thought, I am no longer phobic, I am still not a fan but I have ceased jumping on chairs screaming like a woman in a 1960s sitcom.

And then last night, at half past one in the morning, this happened. I was sat on the loo, mid flow as it were, when a big bugger ran into the room. You know when you watch surfers and they do that jump from lying down to standing in one graceful move? Well picture that, then replace the surfboard with a loo seat, and graceful with dripping wee on your own feet and you get the picture.

Then we were stuck. The spider sensed something peculiar had just occurred and stopped mid-scurry between me and the door. I was stood on the seat of the toilet, wiping at my feet with tissues and wondering what on earth to do now. The room isn’t big and it was quite apparent to me that the spider was just waiting for my feet to touch the floor so it could run up my legs and….and…..and what? I literally have no idea what I think is going to happen if a spider runs on me, I mean there is a lot of me and not very much of them so the chance of them devouring me whole is pretty remote. I just know that if they touch me something bad will happen, like the universe will end in a dark matter touches light matter fashion.

‘I could be here til morning’ I thought. ‘I have to think of a plan.’ I didn’t want to kill it, I am after all a vegetarian and smashing the evil bastard would have rested heavy on my conscience, plus I had no hard back books to hand anyway. Then I spotted the little plastic step used by Syd to reach the sink. I could just about get my finger tips to it and drag it slowly towards me, all the while keeping one eye on the creature to see if it had sensed a chance to attack. Precariously balanced on my cheap and creaking toilet seat, I managed to peel the step from the floor and clutch it to myself. I only had one chance to get this right, the throw had to be perfect to land over the top of the eight legged creature and contain it, while not hurting it.

I took a deep breath and aimed. SHOT!! It sailed over and trapped the bug under it’s plastic shell. I felt the kind of euphoria normally only reserved for those who have just found a way out of the upturned hull of the Poseidon in a Hollywood movie. I wanted to hug people and high five them about my bravery and our narrowly avoided death. And then I remembered I was just a piss footed woman who had done battle with a two inch insect and felt rather silly, not to mention in need of a shower.

I could finally escape back to bed where I woke up my other half to go and set the poor thing free – partly for it’s own good, and partly so my teenage daughter didn’t wake us all up screaming if she happens to move the step before morning, unaware of its creepy contents. My toddler heard the commotion and obviously picked the word spider from our conversation. He wanted to get up and say hello to it, and when that was disallowed sung himself back to sleep with a few rounds of Incey Wincey. Seems like I am mostly doing a good job of stopping him picking up on my fears, but only because he wasn’t in the bathroom with me last night!

Do you have any irrational fears?

Love Miss Cisco XXX

 

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27 Comments

  1. June 27, 2014 / 10:05 am

    Fantastic post – love it – I battle in a similar way with wasps, hate them – they are evil and they can hurt you, BUT I am desperate not to pass on this fear to the kids, so had to “guide” one out of the lounge this week. I wanted to high five someone too, but there wasn’t anyone there willing to high five me, they were playing with Lego and ignoring me and the wasp!
    Helen Neale (@KiddyCharts) recently posted…10 Tips for Finding Balance as a Work At Home MomMy Profile

  2. June 27, 2014 / 11:01 am

    That did make me laugh, but you really are terrified, aren’t you? My mum is scared of them (but not as badly as that), so brought us up to be scared. But I decided when I was 20 I wasn’t going to be scared any more. I won’t touch them, but I will leave them be or catch them in a glass if I have to. I am, however, terrified of moths if they are moving. I stood whimpering in my son’s bedroom yesterday as one flapped around me. I was rooted to the spot and didn’t know what to do. It can’t hurt me! I wouldn’t be frightened of a wasp, which COULD hurt me!
    But my biggest fear is vomit. I’m terrified of the stuff. I must say I’ve improved a lot since I was a parent, but I will still run a mile if I think any is imminent. As a kid I would sit in my room for hours and cry after my brother or sister had been sick. I haven’t thrown up myself since I was 12 (seriously!), I think my body knows it would be counter-productive to terrify me in such a way.
    Oh, and I’m really claustrophobic too.
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  3. June 27, 2014 / 11:28 am

    You did make me chuckle reading that. I thought I hated spiders but I think you may just be more scared than I am. I spotted a chunky one on the ceiling the other day and with hubby at work till late, it was down to me to move it or think about it all evening. Then what if it disappeared? That would have been worse. I was so proud of myself getting the biggest glass I could find and a piece of card to be able to throw it outside.
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  4. June 27, 2014 / 11:32 am

    I find this difficult to understand as I have no issues with little creatures, I pick spiders up, etc. But my husband freaks out. I think you did a good job x
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  5. June 27, 2014 / 12:43 pm

    Oh my, I was trying not to laugh ‘cos my LO is sleeping next to me! Fantastic writing! I’m scared of spiders too – maybe not to THAT extent, but I would probably panic if I was to touch one, and most of the time I kill the horrid creatures! My Hubby is always laughing at that, and I know it’s probably irrational, but I can’t help it – I just generally don’t like creepy crawlies… I hope I won’t pass that on the LO though 😉
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  7. June 27, 2014 / 2:32 pm

    I think you were very brave and it’s part of our natural defense system not to like them. Mine is needles – quite difficult when a baby is refusing to come out of you I tell you.
    Pinkoddy recently posted…Bloggers on Instagram TipsMy Profile

  8. June 27, 2014 / 3:50 pm

    Oh that made me laugh! I’m not particularly scared of spiders although I wouldn’t want to pick up one of the big buggers. I hate things flying inside small spaces – so my worst fear is a bird in the house ’cause they panic and just flap (and poo) everywhere and I absolutely cannot deal with them – luckily doesn’t exactly happen very often!
    Rollercoaster Mum recently posted…Circus of Thieves and the Raffle of Doom – a children’s book review and GiveawayMy Profile

  9. June 27, 2014 / 6:48 pm

    Spiders! Especially in the middle of the night. One of those big ones (and it was big as in it had fat legs as well as long legs) ran across my bedroom floor while I was breastfeeding my youngest one night. That baby didn’t get fed that time. Binning the spider was way more important to me!
    Actually Mummy… recently posted…See the Child #seethechildMy Profile

  10. June 27, 2014 / 8:08 pm

    You always make me laugh, Miss Cisco! But well done for outwitting the little beastie, whatever you do don’t throw the step away when he’s outgrown it!
    I’m not too bad with spiders but I am terrified of flying and also seem to be getting that way about driving too – I need to sort it out really…
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  11. June 27, 2014 / 9:30 pm

    Well done you for trying to tackle you phobias! I’m not afraid of much, but sometimes the dark due to an over active imagination.

  12. June 28, 2014 / 11:17 am

    eeeek! i hate spiders but have trained myself to not be so scared over the years as i didn’t want to freak the kiddos out!! they don’t like them but aren’t especially scared of them
    Polly recently posted…52 Weeks of Gratitude – Week EightMy Profile

  13. June 28, 2014 / 1:42 pm

    Rats! Can’t stand the b*******. But I do worry about passing on this rather irrational fear to my son. I would not want him to get one as a pet, but I don’t want him to think he has to be worried about them just because his mother is.
    VaiChin @Rambling Through Parenthood recently posted…Mint and Yogurt RaitaMy Profile

  14. June 28, 2014 / 3:45 pm

    Roo recently declared that she was no longer afraid of spiders, howeve when hubby managed to find one and asked her to get it she refused… maybe she isn’t quite over them yet. I don’t know what it is about spider but they just make my skin crawl.
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  15. Manneskjur
    June 28, 2014 / 6:03 pm

    This is EXACTLY how I get with ants! The amount of times this year I’ve already said ‘don’t worry kids it’s only an ant, they are afraid of children!’ whilst inwardly screaming and visualizing getting eaten alive by the buggers!
    Manneskjur recently posted…Mammasaurus is now ManneskjurMy Profile

  16. June 29, 2014 / 9:12 am

    I’ve got lots of irrational fears lol – Spiders are one but like you I’m trying really hard not to pass that to the kids which in turn has helped me go from terrified to just very scared when I see one lol
    Cass@frugalfamily recently posted…What I’m Doing Now….My Profile

  17. June 30, 2014 / 8:58 pm

    I hate spiders too! I also hate anything buzzing by my ear (think moths and daddy long legs at night, bees & wasps in the daytime), deep water as I can’t swim (almost drowned when younger) and clowns..I hate clowns
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  18. June 30, 2014 / 9:29 pm

    I do not like spiders either, or wasps and bees! I either freeze or run away squealing if there is chance to escape. I always feel very silly but can not control how I react.

  19. July 1, 2014 / 8:11 am

    I hate the things too. They invade my washing line and my home and I am forever yelping. I can just about tolerate the little ones now but its the big ones that scurry menacingly along the floor that get me. Painting the fence last week and I seem to have a family of false widows too…….sorry, but they have got to go
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  20. July 6, 2014 / 7:32 pm

    Argh this is me, absolutely hate spiders. I had to learn to be brave when I had my baby as I would frequently pick him up in the night, walk into the lounge and one would be there grinning at me…I am pretty sure our cat brings them in and kills them tgen leaves them right in the middle of the room…I have built up the courage to put a mug over them by myself…just to be on the safe side!
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