Operation Bring Back Miss Fierce

Posted by on Jul 8, 2014 in Featured, Life | 38 comments

You know that bit inside yourself, the fun bit, the rebellious bit, and dare I say it – the sexy bit? Well mine is called Miss Fierce. (Is it a sign of mental health problems that I have named her?! Nowt to do with Beyoncé you understand, she is named for an Adam Ant song where Miss Fierce kisses a drummer. I have kissed a lot of drummers, even married a couple of them, but in the end I kissed the right one and this time it’s 4/4 ever….. #musicpun)




Anyway, Miss Fierce has been missing in action since my youngest was born, she manages to sneak out occasionally, usually after a few rums, but I want to bring her back properly. I am bored of being boring. I am bored of feeling frumpy. So how to I bring her back to the surface? How do you find yourself after motherhood? I have done it before, and I can do it again!

Step One: Accept that I am older. Not old old, not purple rinse old (though I rather look forward to that stage), but older than I used to be, which is the way things work. No diet is ever bringing back that youthful spring, but loving myself (not in a masturbatory fashion you perv) would help a bit. I have lost some weight, there is some more to go. I know it is terribly anti ‘The Womanhood’ to care about body image, but my fat ain’t a feminist issue, it isn’t imposed by some mythical media ideal of perfection, it’s about being comfortable in my skin, and my skin likes to wear a size 12.

Gravity is still my friend, without it I would be sucked into the vast blackness of space to suffocate in it’s star scattered loneliness, but it’s not doing my boobs any favours these days. My face isn’t far behind my breasts in terms of fighting off gravity’s downward pull, and there are the fresh lines of a life well lived appearing each day. But that doesn’t mean it’s all bad, it’s creakier than it was, but gets me from A to B very well, and it needs appreciating like a maturing fine wine, more rounded and interesting with age.

I have gone back to being a red head, because that rumour that blondes have more fun is a myth. I am trying desperately to find clothes that reflect my indie matron sensibilities and make me feel good. I am going to make the most of it, cos you know today is the youngest I am ever going to be, so that is worthy of its own laudation. I wish to grow old disgracefully not emulating the cover of a Boden brochure. Bring me the clothes of a 1950’s screen siren, but with more skulls, and add in a side order of the confidence to wear it please. Which brings me onto…..

Step Two: Stop reading here Mum! Being sexy. Not feeling sexy is not cool, but you know what makes you feel sexy, having sex. My man is hot, I fancy the pants off him, and without wishing to brag, we are good at the sex. So why don’t we have more of it? Well partly because there is a nearly 3 year old in our bedroom and a teenager seemingly everywhere else in the house, but also because I don’t fancy myself much. I look at my self through his imaginary eyes and think he wonders where the sexy woman from five years ago went, and why she was replaced with a saggier, baggier version.  I don’t really think he cares that much about the few extra pounds, I bet he misses the uninhibited me more than he misses the flatter belly, so I am going to stop feeling hyper critical of my body and get some new matching undies and celebrate my more womanly shape.

Step Three: Live in the moment again. I have got terribly caught up in house hunting, and school catchment concerns, and looking to the future while forgetting about the now. Now is the thing, now will be gone in a minute and it isn’t coming back. See look, that now has gone already and I am into the next now, and the next. Shame to waste this now worrying about next years now when this now could be the most perfect moment of now in the now, if you know what I mean.

Step Four: Listen to more of that good ol’ dirty Rock’n’Roll. I never feel more myself than when something awesomely loud and nasty is playing. OK, so it is hard to fit in too many nights at raucous gigs, and even blaring out music while doing the housework is tricky when you live upstairs from an opticians, but Dr Fierce is prescribing herself noisy headphone time when Syd is at pre-school.

Step Five: Controversially maybe, step away from the blog. Not stop, nah, I do love it really, but my week off was great and blogging can have a tendency to make you an observer in your own life. When you take photos you are thinking they will be good for the blog. When the kids annoy you, you think ‘oh well, at least it’s good blog fodder.’ On days out and days in it lurks. Life becomes material when it should be just life. So yeah, I am gonna live my life and blog some shite when I feel it and not when I don’t. Blogging records life, it isn’t life, and sometimes it is easy to forget that.

Step Six: Remember that she never went anywhere at all. I am still me in all my glorious insanity, it is just that life squashed the wild bit of me to the edges for a while. There is still only a tiny portion of time where she can be let out of the cage, after all, she isn’t really welcome at the school gate. In fact I should stop referring to her in the third person all together, I AM MISS FIERCE, I just got lost for a while, I need to rescue myself from under a pile of limited sleep and neurosis.

Love Miss Fierce Cisco XXX


Join the conversation and post a comment.

  1. Kate Thompson

    Such a great post, really resonated here. So many excellent points – re Blogging YES! It can easily become so self absorbing :S re Sex… sadly chronic sleep deprivation and anxiety make it the LAST thing I want, I would embrace total celibacy any day. Missing the “Living for the Moment” bit too – our spontaneity got sucked away when we had to embrace a free from diet….
    Kate Thompson recently posted…Too Much, Too Soon, Too FastMy Profile

  2. otilia

    Oh my dear Sonya…I find myself in many f the things you say…I so need to love myself too and to be like i was when i met my husband. Nah…they love us and they would love if we will get back to be more uninhibited rather than concerned about our bellies. When you try to see yourself through his eyes multi plate that with 1000 more better than you think and maybe then you will realise that some things are just our imagination! Good luck with your change as such x and happy birthday!
    otilia recently posted…Parenting Pin-It Party #60My Profile

  3. Kate Williams

    Personally I love that you’ve got a separate name for your foxy self, totally seeing you as Beyonce now!!
    Kate Williams recently posted…Nighttime Craft Activities: Tuesday TutorialsMy Profile

  4. Liz Burton

    *Whoops loudly*

    Look out everyone Miss Fierce is on the rampage.

    Love “today is the youngest I am ever going to be” I need to remember that more. x
    Liz Burton recently posted…Camping at Church Farm ArdeleyMy Profile

  5. Actually Mummy...

    Ah I love this post – properly real. I’m going to take your advice on the blogging thing too. There’s one thing that always makes me feel better, and that’s hanging out with my family, properly enjoying their company (when they’re not being intensely annoying, that is)!
    PS – gravitiy is having a go at my jowls too – I’ve decided that more lying down is the best solution. Which goes nicely with several of your points above :)
    Actually Mummy… recently posted…Easy family food: Jamie Oliver’s griddled porkMy Profile

  6. Kate on thin ice

    Funnily enough I am looking for new words for groovy (yes I am up to summat!) and then along come you with fierce. Won’t steal it or if I do will pay you millions in royalties.
    Have also a wish for purple in old age and funnily enough have been eyeing up fifties siren images all day (yes I am up to summat else!)
    I am the same as you on the fat stuff hating minding but actually I do and also totally get the thing about when you don’t fancy you how the hell do you believe he does even though you know he does deep down (oh Lordy that sounds rude)
    Also resolve now to play music more often. Used to do it all the time but Him Indoors likes it on a low volume and what is the point in that. Will live in a rocking way whilst he is at work.
    Love this post and I reckon writing posts like this always act as a catalyst to move us forwards massively so look out world!
    Kate on thin ice recently posted…The only way is up!My Profile

  7. Size15Stylist

    Mr S15S has been away for a week, so although the extra housework and childcare was mind numbing, I definitely enjoyed having him back…absence and all that!

    Love loud music when I’m shopping, too, and spent an afternoon blissed out with a new album recently.


  8. Penny Carr

    Go you! I think what you say is spot on though. There’s no point in living only for tomorrow as tomorrow never comes. Live for today instead – much more fun. xxx
    Penny Carr recently posted…Planning Paris in a DayMy Profile

  9. Jen aka The Mad House

    I understand that feeling that the “other you” is way behind somewhere peeking round the corner at you.

    I have learned to live in the moment though, which is a good thing. I am pretty content at the moment.
    Jen aka The Mad House recently posted…Looking after your eyes and your family’s eyesMy Profile

  10. You Baby Me Mummy

    This post is amazing hun! I can really relate to all of it, it is rubbish feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. I want me back too x
    You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…Things to do in London without kidsMy Profile

  11. Julie

    ha ha! Love this post! Nothing wrong with having a little beyonce inside you! lol x
    Julie recently posted…Makeup Revolution Ultra 32 Shade Eyeshadow Palette in FLAWLESS and Makeup LookMy Profile

  12. Emma

    Sometimes it’s so important to just think about “me” for once isn’t it. So easy to lose sight of her! :D So agree with the living in the moment part of things too. Great post S xx
    Emma recently posted…Glamping with Frogs – Natterersee – AustriaMy Profile

  13. Vicky (@aroundandupsidedown)

    I look forward to hearing from Miss Fierce – I think she was defo trying to stage a comeback with this article. Go for it girl – and bring sexy back, wobbly boobs and all ;-) x
    Vicky (@aroundandupsidedown) recently posted…Guest post: The Language of Fashion – Looking past disability by Emily DavisonMy Profile

  14. Carolin

    Loved this post, so honest! I think we all could write one of these!
    Carolin recently posted…Monday Parenting Pin It Party #60My Profile

  15. Jane

    Excellent post! Thank you. You’ll get your sexy back! Might need a weekend away without the kids to kick start it? I also like how you plan to rationalise blogging it can become too consuming. Off to crank up the stereo. Cheers!
    Jane recently posted…Pube Peace, an essayMy Profile

  16. Sarah MumofThree World

    Love this! I reckon your Miss Fierce isn’t buried too deep. I’ve never been Miss Fierce, but I’ve found the more rebellious side of myself was certainly easier to find once all my kids were at school. For a few hours, I could be myself, not just ‘mum’. Even if nobody is there to see it or realises it, I know deep down inside this middle aged woman (yes, my face is starting to sag too – why?) there is somebody who is cool and has attitude and doesn’t give a sh*t. Least of all about flipping Boden.
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…Starting the Roaccutane journeyMy Profile

  17. Zena's Suitcase

    You could be talking about me here, the sex bit was far to close to home
    Zena’s Suitcase recently posted…The Breastfeeding Diaries and Post Round Up 8th July 2014My Profile

  18. Pinkoddy

    Great post – and my man is hot too and I have 4 kids so if I can find the time so can you lol – they are usually all asleep by 1am anyhow lol.
    Welcome back hot old/young you :)
    Pinkoddy recently posted…20 Reasons Why I like MeMy Profile

    • Sonya Cisco

      I am asleep at 1am!! We do get some, I am just being greedy and wanting more and recognising I need to feel that I am sexy again rather than feeling self conscious about my body!

  19. Kate Takes 5

    I love this – partly because my Ms Fierce has just resurfaced. A few nights out, a few mad gigs, a few new clothes… My very favourite part though is wishing to grow old disgracefully rather than ‘emulating the cover of a Boden brochure’… With you all the way!
    Kate Takes 5 recently posted…The Libertines at Hyde ParkMy Profile

  20. Ojo Henley

    Embrace the sexy!!! Woohoo
    *through all my flesh coloured undies on the fire!*

    Too far?? ;-)
    Ojo Henley recently posted…I’ve Lost My WordsMy Profile

  21. Lisa Prince (@BEAUTY_IIAO)

    fab post , i have 7 kids, no family to help and live in a small village with no friends near buy to help so we never get out nor do we find the time or money spare to enjoy time away , we do however love family walks and weekends together x

  22. Emma

    Great post, I really must try and find the old ( young ) me somewhere…..
    Emma recently posted…The one with the tennisMy Profile

  23. VaiChin @Rambling Through Parenthood

    Welcome to my world of the mid-life crisis :-D But you are right. Getting Miss Fierce out once in a while is refreshingly rejuvenating.
    VaiChin @Rambling Through Parenthood recently posted…The Day Football DiedMy Profile

  24. Mummy Barrow

    Can you bottle all of that for me too? Or put it on a poster and slap it on my bathroom wall?! I would like to find my Fierce too please!

    I love it.

  25. Izzie Anderton

    Miss Fierce is still in there somewhere! And I’m guessing that you’re not the only one who feels as though your mojo has packed its bags & gone awol. Here’s to finding the real you all over again even if it takes a lot of rum!
    Izzie Anderton recently posted…Reverse Cinderella SyndromeMy Profile

  26. Polly

    such a great post!! Totally can relate – so easy to lose yourself when you’re a mama

  27. Globalmouse

    Great post and I love the idea of being a bit more reckless and a bit more fun. I wish I didn’t feel quite so tired all of the time as that doesn’t help but it’s time to unleash a bit of my miss fierce I think ;)
    Globalmouse recently posted…LittleLife Summer Competition – Animal wheelie duffle, daysack and ponchoMy Profile

  28. Kara

    Such a great post and so much is true over here too. I decided a few weeks ago to grab life by the horns and enjoy it and so far I have ridden in a powerboat, climbed a roller coaster and I am going abroad without the family…….it may be a little selfish but I had forgotten who I am
    Kara recently posted…Just the two of usMy Profile

  29. Fritha Strickland

    I think it’s so common to feel this after having a baby, in fact I’ve only *just* started to feel myself now..and I’m wondering if I can go through loosing myself again with another baby ;) x
    Fritha Strickland recently posted…Etsy Wish List – For the vintage homeMy Profile

  30. Helen @ Witty Hoots

    I can relate to this post especially the bits about feeling as though you have lost yourself. I too need to loose some weight and I know my ‘happy’ size is a 14 – maybe your words will spur me on to make those changes!
    Helen @ Witty Hoots recently posted…Little Big Songs Review of a Children’s Music CDMy Profile

  31. Shell Louise

    I’ve been thinking about taking the kids out for the day and leaving the camera at home so I can enjoy the day for what it is and not treat it as a photo opportunity for the blog.
    I also need to spend more time offline and being with them while I’ve got the chance; all too soon they’ll be grown and gone and I’ll be regretting not spending quality time with them while they’re going through all these wonderful ages.
    Shell Louise recently posted…52 Weeks of Gratitude – Week 5My Profile

  32. wendy

    Great post. Sex what is that ?? we have become mum and dad , forgetting who we are as a couple. plus a 4 year old that doesn’t sleep hasn’t helped. Feeling sexy well that went out the window years ago. At the moment I feel broken and have lost me been caught up in too many stresses lately
    wendy recently posted…Sparkup Magical ReaderMy Profile


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