Wow, Christmas is coming up fast isn’t it. How does it do that? One minute I am moaning that shops have carols playing in October and the next it is under a fortnight away. I appear to have spent the past month watching/reading about Kirstie, Nigella et al planning perfectly dressed and delicious parties instead of organising my own festivities. I have spent so much time reading Good Housekeeping’s guide to the perfect Christmas meal and watching people fashion hand-made baubles that I have had no time to do anything else. Or maybe it is that watching other people do all the work is much more fun. Yeah, that sounds more likely.
I haven’t wrapped a single gift in hand stamped, home crafted paper. Nor have I tied any parcels with a raffia bow. In fact I haven’t even purchased any wrapping paper yet. I am considering starting a trend for gifting things in the carrier bags they came in, I am not being a cheap skate – they cost 5p each these days, in fact some of the things I have bought are in 10p festive bags for life. That almost counts as an extra gift right?!
I have studded not one satsuma with cloves. I am not entirely sure what a clove is, other than they are good for toothache. I do know what a satsuma is, obvs, a teeny tiny orange right?! I did make some Christmas fudge. But I ate that. In November.
I have not been lovingly feeding a Christmas Cake whisky since August. I have been lovingly feeding myself whisky since August. If I smear myself with marzipan you may not be able to tell the difference.
I have not got a time plan prepared for Christmas Eve/Day. I do not even have a menu planned. Roast I thought. Probably.
I may have to replace the children with cleaner ones, ones that smile nicely for the camera as opposed to gurning and making rabbit ears behind each others heads, in order to get that perfect family look for Instagram purposes.
I haven’t picked a colour scheme for the tree. I haven’t even got the tree yet, and when we do it will look like a fairy vomited on it by the time the kids have hurled stuff at it in a haphazard fashion.
I don’t have an Elf on my shelf, because I am scared of them – teenage years spent reading horror novels and an overactive imagination means ‘toys that come to life at night and mess up your house’ are at some point going to turn psycho, and I don’t have a lock on my knife drawer.
What I do have is lists. Lists in notebooks, lists on my phone and on the back of receipts. Obviously I never actually have these lists to hand when I need them, and inevitably this will lead to substituting strawberry jam for cranberry sauce on the day, but the thought is there.
You know what though, I ADORE the shiny Christmas shows and glossy magazines, and I love the fact that year after year I am naive enough to continue thinking that I will actually replicate some of the things they indulge in. I am ever the optimist, imagining for example that I shall take the children on frosty, woodland walks to collect holly and mistletoe for our mantelpiece. In reality it is always raining when there is a good moment to go out, and my kids would probably rather watch the walk recreated in Minecraft on YouTube.
And these days I have an extra perspective on reality versus the media portrayal. As a blogger I know how easy it is to present something that looks pretty and stylish, but I also know the truth behind the pictures. Take yesterdays Chocolate Slab post – not quite glossy mag standard, but it looks nice doesn’t it, and maybe gives the impression that I am stylish, and tidy, and organised. The truth is that my kitchen was a mess by the end of it, I had chocolate in my hair and on my face, and the room that is cropped out of the photographs is, well, a bit scruffy frankly.
So I will not have a Christmas panic. I will not have a perfect advert Christmas, I will have a real Christmas – complete with mess, spoilt kids, non-matching wrapping paper, too much chocolate, an uncoordinated Christmas tree, a massive delicious dinner without much pre-planning (I make a roast most Sundays- how hard can it be). And someone will feel sick, my over excited kids will become arguing kids, I will drink too much Baileys and wear silly paper hats, there will be love, laughter and total chaos. Followed by Christmas Doctor Who and a large booze drink when the smaller people are asleep. And it will be ABSOLUTELY BLOODY BRILLIANT!!
LOVE MISS CISCO XXX