I ruddy hate spiders. Well, hate is the wrong word. I am properly terrified of them. I used to be far worse, even a tiny spider could send me into a hyperventilating panic, and a big one once made me have to climb out of the lounge window carrying a one year old because it was between me and the door.
I sort of thought I had got a bit of a grip on it lately. A few years of living in a particularly spidery house in the countryside numbed me to the smaller of their breed, and the house I live in now isn’t very attractive to them, they are few and far between and mostly dwell happily alongside me in the far reaches of the ceiling corners. We have a deal – they don’t move when I am watching and they can stay.
My elder two, to my shame, have grown up scared of them too, learning from my ridiculous example no doubt. I have been determined not to do the same to Syd, and just last week could be found crouched in the corner of the kitchen with him while he conversed with a smallish one. I have cracked it, I thought, I am no longer phobic, I am still not a fan but I have ceased jumping on chairs screaming like a woman in a 1960s sitcom.
And then last night, at half past one in the morning, this happened. I was sat on the loo, mid flow as it were, when a big bugger ran into the room. You know when you watch surfers and they do that jump from lying down to standing in one graceful move? Well picture that, then replace the surfboard with a loo seat, and graceful with dripping wee on your own feet and you get the picture.
Then we were stuck. The spider sensed something peculiar had just occurred and stopped mid-scurry between me and the door. I was stood on the seat of the toilet, wiping at my feet with tissues and wondering what on earth to do now. The room isn’t big and it was quite apparent to me that the spider was just waiting for my feet to touch the floor so it could run up my legs and….and…..and what? I literally have no idea what I think is going to happen if a spider runs on me, I mean there is a lot of me and not very much of them so the chance of them devouring me whole is pretty remote. I just know that if they touch me something bad will happen, like the universe will end in a dark matter touches light matter fashion.
‘I could be here til morning’ I thought. ‘I have to think of a plan.’ I didn’t want to kill it, I am after all a vegetarian and smashing the evil bastard would have rested heavy on my conscience, plus I had no hard back books to hand anyway. Then I spotted the little plastic step used by Syd to reach the sink. I could just about get my finger tips to it and drag it slowly towards me, all the while keeping one eye on the creature to see if it had sensed a chance to attack. Precariously balanced on my cheap and creaking toilet seat, I managed to peel the step from the floor and clutch it to myself. I only had one chance to get this right, the throw had to be perfect to land over the top of the eight legged creature and contain it, while not hurting it.
I took a deep breath and aimed. SHOT!! It sailed over and trapped the bug under it’s plastic shell. I felt the kind of euphoria normally only reserved for those who have just found a way out of the upturned hull of the Poseidon in a Hollywood movie. I wanted to hug people and high five them about my bravery and our narrowly avoided death. And then I remembered I was just a piss footed woman who had done battle with a two inch insect and felt rather silly, not to mention in need of a shower.
I could finally escape back to bed where I woke up my other half to go and set the poor thing free – partly for it’s own good, and partly so my teenage daughter didn’t wake us all up screaming if she happens to move the step before morning, unaware of its creepy contents. My toddler heard the commotion and obviously picked the word spider from our conversation. He wanted to get up and say hello to it, and when that was disallowed sung himself back to sleep with a few rounds of Incey Wincey. Seems like I am mostly doing a good job of stopping him picking up on my fears, but only because he wasn’t in the bathroom with me last night!
Do you have any irrational fears?
Love Miss Cisco XXX