I loved the Costa coffin that coffee lover Karen Lloyd was buried in last week. Who wouldn’t want a bit of personality, even a laugh, added to their own funeral? When we buried my Grandad Jack recently, we added a giant Jack of Hearts card to the flowers on top. It seemed fitting, and appropriate, and personal for a man whose big love was card games.
But what would I have? Well, I saw this guitar coffin – of course it would have to be a 4 stringed version for me…. Or maybe a white coffin, covered in gem stones like a Vegas Elvis jumpsuit. I love the beautiful Mexican Day of the Dead art – skulls and flowers, but would that would be a bit too morbid for those in attendance?
I like the idea of the cardboard coffins, but being a bit weighty, and living in a rainy country, I wouldn’t like my soggy bottom to make an undignified entrance through it’s soggy bottom.
A nice Vampirical old-fashioned coffin would be cool, with a touch of the Hammer Horrors. But can you put some biscuits in it? And fairy lights, not mad keen on pitch black – I just bought some nice pink flamingo ones – that would add a nice kitsch touch wouldn’t it.
And my phone. Pop that in. In days of old, particularly paranoid people would have a bell put in theirs, in case they were buried alive. If that happens to me I want to be able to tweet for help. #buriedalive #help.
Although I am not sure I want to be buried. The thought of all those bugs horrifies me a bit, but on the other hand I don’t mind being tree food. So if you don’t burn me, bury me in a forest. Or at sea, I like the water. Or in a vat of bourbon. Yes, pickle me in booze, I should like that very much.
Transport? Well, I am not sure about all the plumed horses, I quite like a Hillman Super Minx, but you would have to get me squashed into a rather odd shaped coffin, with my knees under my chin, to fit me in one of those. A nice vintage hearse, a bit battered, would be very cool. And if it can be driven by Goth undertakers, all the better. They should of course have fangs.
Readings? I’d quite like someone funny to do the Eddie Izzard ‘Cake or Death?’ sketch. ‘Well, I meant cake.’
Music. Oh yes, lots of that please. I don’t know what though, I love too much of it. Green Day ‘Ha Ha You’re Dead’ would be a good one. Or something by The Damned – Curtain Call or I Just Can’t Be Happy Today. Actually you should have a big disco party afterwards with my iPod on shuffle. That should annoy pretty much everybody at some point….
In all honesty, do what you like, I am not there, do what makes you feel better. Chuck me in a skip behind Tescos if you like, then have a pint and laugh at all the daft things I have done in my life.
What would you have at your funeral?
Love Miss Cisco XXX